I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
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[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
[dinner]
prince eric:ariel:
prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing
ariel: no no, not this crab
prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good
ariel: he was just a backup dancer
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back