I know this now 😂

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Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.

Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.


Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.


*dumps Gatorade on an alligator*
How does your family taste you green piece of shit


Angel: God.. Were you drunk creating last night?

God: no…..

Angel: *holds up platypus

God: a little..


me: you wanna hot line bling?

date: what?

me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?

date: excuse me

me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!


[interrogation room]

me: tell us

criminal: he’ll kill me if i do

me: you’re making my partner very angry

my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]

criminal: i-

me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off


FYI guys, women don’t like it when you start rubbing a magic eraser on them during an argument


have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.


If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.