I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever
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People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!
Me: suddenly now you can do math
Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”
But daddy, Santa likes-
[gently puts hand on his head]
“do what I say or he’s not coming”
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians