He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
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Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.