“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
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Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
I have never “cat called” a woman. I go home, paint her from memory & then yell at the painting. It’s called respect.
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.