I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
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My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.
Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!
[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”
I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]
Later that night
Fitbit: time for bed
me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.