Eventually you’re going to achieve self awareness in a padded cell, staring at your palm, realizing twitter was just all your personalities
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
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INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
I like long walks while holding hands.. which always seems a little awkward with strangers on the beach.
Sex so good you see dead people.
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
Whatever Mom, IF THAT’S EVEN YOUR REAL NAME!!!
Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.