I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
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Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.
me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.