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Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters
Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM
“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.