My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
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Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.
Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
just having fun
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka