“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see

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The World: “It is officially impossible for any of this to make less sense than it does now.”

McCain: “Hold my alligator.”


A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.


It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.

-elementary schools


Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720


Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.


Just saw a fly on my flight and all I could think was what a lazy piece of shit.


This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.


Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.


[Watching Alien: Resurrection]

*Alien dies*

Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.