@murrman5

“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see

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@luckyshirt

The World: “It is officially impossible for any of this to make less sense than it does now.”

McCain: “Hold my alligator.”

@daemonic3

A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.

@simoncholland

It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.

-elementary schools

@BobbyBucchae

Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720

@3sunzzz

Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.

@CelebrityChez

Just saw a fly on my flight and all I could think was what a lazy piece of shit.

@mommajessiec

This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.

@Contwixt

Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.

@DrakeGatsby

[Watching Alien: Resurrection]

*Alien dies*

Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.