“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see
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My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
me: they both taste exactly the same
morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?
me: OH MY GOD
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.