“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see
You Might Also Like
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
I remember when a computer didn’t automatically connect to the internet, it used to make a screaming noise. We should have listened.
me, drunk, into the remote: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
At the aquarium yesterday, my kid asked, “The sharks aren’t allowed to eat the other fish, right?” So if anyone asks, aquarium sharks are vegetarian
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
*Finally finishes my beach setup after two hours*
*Sits down triumphantly*
*Beach tent and umbrella fly away in a strong gust of wind*
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.