I know you seen me continuously push the “close doors” button while you ran to the elevator. Now it’s just awkward

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My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”


The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror


4:*calls thing wrong name
Me:*corrects him
4:*repeats wrong name
Me:*corrects him
4:*maintains eye contact and repeats wrong name slowly


If you love something, let it go. Let it run until it reaches the invisible wall & the shock collar you attached to it’s ankle cripples them


Dear Edward, maybe the reason you can’t read Bella’s mind is because there’s nothing in her head. Sincerely, Logic.


Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.


*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*


Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.


I’m more of a leader than a follower, unless you’re wearing yoga pants.