@KiayaFaye

I know you seen me continuously push the “close doors” button while you ran to the elevator. Now it’s just awkward

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@NurseMurderer

My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”

@KatieBurnett

The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror

@ThaJawn

4:*calls thing wrong name
Me:*corrects him
4:*repeats wrong name
Me:*corrects him
4:*maintains eye contact and repeats wrong name slowly

@Kyle_Lippert

If you love something, let it go. Let it run until it reaches the invisible wall & the shock collar you attached to it’s ankle cripples them

@MenHumor

Dear Edward, maybe the reason you can’t read Bella’s mind is because there’s nothing in her head. Sincerely, Logic.

@randomnloveit

Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.

@ch000ch

*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*

@torrami

Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.

@CallMeDraper

I’m more of a leader than a follower, unless you’re wearing yoga pants.