I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.
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it’s the silliest best thing
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce