@Cheeseboy22

I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.

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@hopiecan

how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things

@Lisabug74

I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.

@GrowlyGrego

Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.

@Jandalize

I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.

@jonnysun

in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times

@Lhlodder

Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.

@gaynorlsimpson

When I met you I was completely blown away because the wind was ridiculous.

@AnitaHelmet

Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?

I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.

Wait.

Two. I have 2 kids.

@DanMentos

interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right