I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
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Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
I’m pretty like a car crash.
🙀🙀🙀😹
Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂
I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women