Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
You Might Also Like
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
Cheer up.
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.
Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.