Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.
You Might Also Like
Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.
The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.