@mustachewine

I laugh like a dumbass every time I hear the term ‘manhole’.

Maturity will not be reached.

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@BlackCatBettie

If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.

@WheelTod

Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife

@missekay

Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.

@LostFelicia

The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.

@TheAndrewNadeau

[Exit interview]

HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?

GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:

@HomeProbably

My iPhone does NOT rule my life.

Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.

@WordsOfaHooker

“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”

@JasonIsbell

A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about

@LoveNLunchmeat

The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.

The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.

@mkat816

Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?