@Msummerslowe

I laughed at this way too hard.

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@daemonic3

[drinks milk from carton]

WHY AREN’T YOU USING A GLASS?!?

“I went to the eye doctor”

What does that mean?

“He said I don’t need glasses”

@JediGigi

I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.

@Trendingjoey

Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts

@KeetPotato

baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”

this is from a book called the bible

@portmanteauface

[alarm clock, 6:00 a.m.]

Ok cool, I have time for breakfast and a nice shower before work

[third snooze button]

Alright, well, I have time for a coffee and a quick shower

[tenth snooze button]

What if I burned off my fingerprints and moved to south america

@COMETHRUGIRL

god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference

@AmberTozer

If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this

@zachheltzel

Tell women at the bar you are the lead singer of Train. There’s no way they can know your lying.

@NourHadidi

The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.

And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.

@notalogin

Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen

Picasso: Here

Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up