I laughed at this way too hard.

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[drinks milk from carton]


“I went to the eye doctor”

What does that mean?

“He said I don’t need glasses”


I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.


Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts


baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”

this is from a book called the bible


[alarm clock, 6:00 a.m.]

Ok cool, I have time for breakfast and a nice shower before work

[third snooze button]

Alright, well, I have time for a coffee and a quick shower

[tenth snooze button]

What if I burned off my fingerprints and moved to south america


god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference


If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this


Tell women at the bar you are the lead singer of Train. There’s no way they can know your lying.


The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.

And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.


Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen

Picasso: Here

Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up