I laughed at this way too hard.
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Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
That’s amazing.
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one