I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp
Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age
Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.
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Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…
Kids: *fighting*
Me: TWO…
Kids: *still fighting*
Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF
Kids: *brawling at this point*
Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees
A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words
GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up
Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
95% of dentists recommend teeth.