Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
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Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?
Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”
ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
I hope we’ve all come to the realization that huggers were the problem all along.
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee