@LolitaDrugs

I laughed way too hard at this 😂

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@ArfMeasures

Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?

Me *stares around my empty house* everything

@CanadianBeave13

Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?

@crocodilethumbs

Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..

Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.

@sad_tree

[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”

ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies

@goodtimenoel

You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.

@WilliamRodgers

BREAKING NEWS

Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”

THIS JUST IN

…Apparently I’m God.

@eveinflow

I hope we’ve all come to the realization that huggers were the problem all along.

@ClichedOut

my gf left me cuz i’m insecure

never mind she’s back she went pee