I laughed way too hard at this 😂

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Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?

Me *stares around my empty house* everything


Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?


Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..

Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.


[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”

ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies


You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.



Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”


…Apparently I’m God.


I hope we’ve all come to the realization that huggers were the problem all along.


my gf left me cuz i’m insecure

never mind she’s back she went pee