Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time
You Might Also Like
Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
My Plans 2020
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
[Social Media Addiction Club]
Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.
*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct