I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.

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If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.


when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job


While texting a girl she told me “I’m board” so I stopped seeing her. I wasn’t offended. I just don’t date wood. Or people who can’t spell.


Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.


WIFE: What are you doing?


WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?

ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.


Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?

Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?

Touché kid


Caveman1: look, I invent wheel

Caveman2: what we do now?

Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel

Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet


Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*