If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
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when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
While texting a girl she told me “I’m board” so I stopped seeing her. I wasn’t offended. I just don’t date wood. Or people who can’t spell.
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
Caveman1: look, I invent wheel
Caveman2: what we do now?
Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel
Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet
Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*