@JimmerThatisAll

I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.

You Might Also Like

@hamspamtymaam

If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.

@jonnysun

when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job

@SteveInevitable

While texting a girl she told me “I’m board” so I stopped seeing her. I wasn’t offended. I just don’t date wood. Or people who can’t spell.

@PaulyPeligroso

Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.

@Reverend_Scott

WIFE: What are you doing?

ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE

WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?

ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.

@Divergentmama

Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?

Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?

Touché kid

@daemonic3

Caveman1: look, I invent wheel

Caveman2: what we do now?

Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel

Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet

@Reverend_Scott

Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*