@SukaBlunt

I learned 2 things at least when I was married

1. Always passcode lock your phone
2. Don’t use a nude pic of your gf as the lock screen

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@The_Whip_Hand

PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.

OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.

REALIST: A train.

TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.

@driverminnie

Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”

@caribbeanaj

Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat

@ArfMeasures

Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?

Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha

Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now

@markedly

BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges w/ ur debit card
ME: How’d you know it wasn’t me
B: They entered the PIN correctly 1st try
M: Dear god

@YoungNobler

This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.

@QueefTornado

Watching a birth is beautiful.

Not knowing any of the parties in the delivery room & singing Salt-N-Pepa’s “Push It” will get you arrested.

@aaronfredericks

me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this

waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?

@BigRedKraut

I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.