are they though??
You Might Also Like
I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
catch me on valentine’s day like
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
I’m ready for Halloween this year
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”