PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.
OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.
REALIST: A train.
TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
I learned 2 things at least when I was married
1. Always passcode lock your phone
2. Don’t use a nude pic of your gf as the lock screen
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Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges w/ ur debit card
ME: How’d you know it wasn’t me
B: They entered the PIN correctly 1st try
M: Dear god
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
Watching a birth is beautiful.
Not knowing any of the parties in the delivery room & singing Salt-N-Pepa’s “Push It” will get you arrested.
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?
I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.