[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
I learned 2 things at least when I was married
1. Always passcode lock your phone
2. Don’t use a nude pic of your gf as the lock screen
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My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
The best way to get over someone is probably with your vehicle
Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*