@SukaBlunt

I learned 2 things at least when I was married

1. Always passcode lock your phone
2. Don’t use a nude pic of your gf as the lock screen

You Might Also Like

@decentbirthday

[first day in hell]

hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat

waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir

me: wow this isn’t so bad

group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-

@SufficientCharm

My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.

@MakesYouGiggle

Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.

@tiemoose

[stepping out of time machine]

me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe

giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect

@Super_Cynthia

The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.

@DoucheMcBaggus

When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.

@StevioSquared

Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.

@AnnietheNanny1

I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.

@huntigula

Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*