I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
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I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone
Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
me: starbucks
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.