I learned about self care from watching my cat.
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Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.
Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
Siri, fight Alexa.
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
Me as a therapist: omg same
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.