[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
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Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.