I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
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when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.
Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”
I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.