I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.

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[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
“What do we do?”


Turns out if you scream for no reason long enough, you get the rest of the day off from work.


The efficient part about falling asleep on the toilet at work is that inevitably someone who had beans for lunch will come and wake you.


Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.


20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!

30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!

40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!


Ambien before beer, nothing tur fleer, beer befra Ambien, sam sumber sambien


I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.


the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first