@jessokfine

I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.

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@internetluke

[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”

@thejacquio

Turns out if you scream for no reason long enough, you get the rest of the day off from work.

@aeharder

The efficient part about falling asleep on the toilet at work is that inevitably someone who had beans for lunch will come and wake you.

@anbrll00

Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.

@AndyAsAdjective

20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!

30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!

40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!

@mollzbenn

Ambien before beer, nothing tur fleer, beer befra Ambien, sam sumber sambien

@envydatropic

I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.

@rad_milk

the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first