I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
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When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*
Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man
Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*
Me: touché
Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play
Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.