I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
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english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
M: Four
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”