The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
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Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
[To Police Sketch Artist]
Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”Sketch Artist:…
Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
wish me luck lads
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight