Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@animaldrumss

Rembrandt was unsurpassed in his ability to depict light and shadow in his works, until the camera came out. then he got insanely surpassed

@Hobo_Splendido

About to go for a run, because shoplifting

@GreenishDuck

Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.

@NakedWhiteAss

Hey guys, which cell phone provider drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.

@ReactionBeyonce

Best senior quote ever

@Darlainky

A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.

@Darlainky

*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.

@JediGigi

[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.

@LeBearGirdle

*speed dating*

I’m a competitive eater!

Date: Are you any good?

[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask

@JennyJohnsonHi5

Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”