Rembrandt was unsurpassed in his ability to depict light and shadow in his works, until the camera came out. then he got insanely surpassed
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
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About to go for a run, because shoplifting
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
Hey guys, which cell phone provider drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
Best senior quote ever
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
I’m a competitive eater!
Date: Are you any good?
[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask
Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”