@IamEveryDayPpl: Can't. I'm outside getting free lasik surgery.

@ProdigyNelson: Bouncer: ID please Me: I got socks for Christmas Bouncer: …okay Me: and I'm genuinely happy about it Bouncer: so sorry come on in

@sarcasticmommy4: I put my symptoms into WebMD & it turns out I just have kids.

@PeasLarge: if only there was a better name

@houseandhens: I appreciate my husband cleaning before we have guests coming over but he always cleans the weirdest shit. Our kitchen will look like a tornado blew through but instead of putting shit away this dude will be up in the attic scrubbing the walls like “iT hAs To Be CLeAn eMiLy”