Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
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sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up
Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:
• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It AllPlease let me know if there are any more.
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat
mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]
me: so really i did you guys a favor
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-[semi-truck drives by]
Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
Therapist: How are you feeling?
Me: Rage
Therapist: What is bringing you rage?
Me: My kids, my husband, the sound the refrigerator makes, the endless laundry, zoom calls and the debilitating fear of contracting Covid-19. Oh and I miss Starbucks and the outside world.
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks