(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.
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Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.
Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t