I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
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My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
me after eating Cheetos
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
Why I’m no longer allowed to pick outdoor games me and the kids play
8yo: Gotcha, Daddy
Me: (in a huff from running) Ok, so I have to stay place, now?
9yo: yes
Me: So I don’t have to run around anymore?
9yo: right…
Me: SWEET
9yo: is this why you keep picking freeze tag?!
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.