@MidniteMadwoman

I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.

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@MooseAllain

Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.

@Insomniac_Medic

I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.

@markydoodoo

If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-

*me already pressing button* sorry, what?

@Laser_Cat

God: Build me an ark.

Noah: A what?

God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.

Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?

@simoncholland

One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.

@JeremyKCMO

I’m opening a bar called The Office. You’re welcome guys.

“Be home soon sweetie, I’m at The Office”

@momtransparent1

When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.

On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”

Kids.

@MizzSlaughter

Take your time, Officer. I have nothing but respect for the law. Your imminent death on this dark side street can wait.

@mindintheshadow

My ex is looking for a job but I don’t think satan is retiring anytime soon so I suppose she’ll be unemployed for a while.

@MasterSociopath

I mistook the Facebook status box for Google search, and now I don’t have to go to family functions any more.