@DranoRaul

I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.

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@Luiki89

Friends are like bananas.

If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.

@jonnysun

[whole foods]
WHITE GIRL: excus me do u hav pumpkin
EMPLOYEE: (hands her a pumpkin) here
WHITE GIRL: no no no. PUMPKIN. its a type of spice

@OhNoSheTwitnt

I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.

@RocketRankoon

The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.

@anerdonfire2

I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.

@thatUPSdude

You ask me if I’m drunk? Well just spent 10 minutes looking for my phone using the flash light app on my phone.

@3sunzzz

If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.

@Cain_Unable

1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe

@1Happytwit

If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.

@kelkulus

Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.