I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
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[therapy]
WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter
ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider
“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.
I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird