I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.

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Friends are like bananas.

If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.


[whole foods]
WHITE GIRL: excus me do u hav pumpkin
EMPLOYEE: (hands her a pumpkin) here
WHITE GIRL: no no no. PUMPKIN. its a type of spice


I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.


The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.


I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.


You ask me if I’m drunk? Well just spent 10 minutes looking for my phone using the flash light app on my phone.


If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.


1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe


If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.


Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.