In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
You Might Also Like
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
Americans keep saying they want to move to Canada.
As if Canada were even a real place.
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
For the past 3 years I’ve been playing this hilarious game where I steal pajamas from women I sleep with. So far I’ve acquired a total of 0 pajamas.
Astronaut: *examining a large knot* Houston please be advised. The moon’s a balloon
Houston: what ! proceed carefully
Me: you think we should p-
Houston: DO NOT I REPEAT DO NOT LET HIM POP THE MOON JESUS CHRIST
Guy 1: fight me
Guy 2: ok… but… one thing
Guy 1: what?
Guy 2: well… it might sound weird but… well is it ok if we get a few thousand drunk people to watch?
Invention of wrestling
Cat: Lame. Just lame.
Me: Shut up. Not everyone goes out Friday nights u know.
Cat: Leave extra food out. Im bringing a girl home.