I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
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My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
(Putting groceries away, my 7yr old starts shaking the root beer I’d bought with all her might)
Me: STOP! What are you doing?
7: Someone told me if you don’t shake it, it’ll explode when you open it.
Me: Honey, either you misunderstood or that person doesn’t like you very much.
I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.
So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird