I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle

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I have a cut on my leg Doc

“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”

But its a tiny cut

“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*


Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.


Send a guy to the grocery store without a list, and you deserve whatever you get.


My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining


If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.


[High School Reunion]

Him: I started my own Law Firm last year

Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story


[being rescued from a deserted island]

me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks

them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise


Shopping for bridesmaid dresses with 5 other women, today. If you never hear from me again, I committed suicide by nail file.


Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!


Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?