me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
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*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.
I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
what could possibly go wrong?
Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
*gets left on read*
my brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itme: “it was fun while it lasted”
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*