I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
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*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
Phone
Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.
Me: It’s okay. I’m up.
Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?
Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island
H: Ok so that was easy
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.