@commuter_haiku
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
@carlyken
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
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@commuter_haiku
@dadopotamus
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
@Carbosly
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
@meladoodle
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
@mattingebretson
As a kid on summer nights I’d capture fireflies in a jar then show them to my father and say “please buy me a sega this does nothing for me”
@brennadine
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
@suecorvette
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
@JT_IV_
Mario and Luigi fight to the death, in “The Plunger Games”.
@continentlbkfst
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
@SoulYodeler
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?