@carlyken

I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.

You Might Also Like

@dadopotamus

When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.

@Carbosly

There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.

His name was Tom.

@meladoodle

Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…

@mattingebretson

As a kid on summer nights I’d capture fireflies in a jar then show them to my father and say “please buy me a sega this does nothing for me”

@brennadine

[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT

@suecorvette

him: damn girl you’re hot

me (menopausal): I know. it sucks

@JT_IV_

Mario and Luigi fight to the death, in “The Plunger Games”.

@continentlbkfst

date: I love a man who’s self aware

me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring

date: *gets super turned on*

@SoulYodeler

Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?