I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.

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You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back


Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.

Her: I can hear you.

Me: she could hear me


Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.


My pet rock is grounded for throwing itself at my ex’s car window


I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.


People in public restrooms don’t really like playing Peek-a-boo, apparently.


That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..


As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying


by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood