I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
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How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-
Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.