@Soo_Scandalouss

I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..

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@caithuls

HIM: I like your shirt!

ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks

@scot7a

COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!

@PinkCamoTO

*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*

Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…

@daddydoubts

Friend: do you regret becoming a father?

Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.

Friend: you want the rest of my fries?

Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.

@frankzulla

Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!

@Kids_kubed

Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?

@Brampersandon_

*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao

@TheAlexNevil

6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name

@TheMichaelRock

You couldn’t hold an intelligent conversation if I duct taped one to your hands.