@Soo_Scandalouss

I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..

You Might Also Like

@infinitesimull

Please insert your card
Do not remove card
Do not remove card
Do not re–
REMOVE CARD NOW! REMOVE IT NOW! OH MY GOD ARE YOU CRAZY GET IT OU

@Mr_Kapowski

If the movie theater slightly lowered their candy prices I wouldn’t have to duct tape candy around my kid’s torso like a suicide bomber

@dril

so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement

@anerdonfire2

Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.

@RadBadger

Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.

@aneesa_p

*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*

Being a vegetarian is easy!

@LostFelicia

My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.

@pekin83

I don’t get how people still get attacked by sharks. DON’T THEY HEAR THE MUSIC?

@neiltyson

There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.