I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
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Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
society: buy a sheet for your mattress
me: ok makes sense
society: then a sheet for that sheet
me:
society: then a blanket for that sheet
me: i think-
society: and a blanket for the blanket
me: you done?
society: oh and 30 pillows
H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
Them: how old are you
Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
Women are from Venus, men are wrong.