@Chocovania

I leave the interview room as I entered it, karate chopping air and unemployed.

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@HomeWithPeanut

Me: Thanks for helping me move.

The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-

Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-

[The Rock gets crushed]

-paper…

@maebemarbles

I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.

@hyperblastchic

My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.

@Just_Oh_Susanna

I just want to look as good as Madonna does now when I’ve also been dead for 27yrs.

@tylerschmall

*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”

@HeidiStevens13

When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.

@1okhooker

I’m blocking anyone I think is funnier than me. If you see this you are safe.

@TwoSapphiresBlu

Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.

~inspirational

@HatfieldAnne

I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”

@trojansauce

origin stories:

spiderman: bitten by spider
green hornet: bitten by green hornet
gambit: bitten by a gam
magneto: bitten by magnetic toe