If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
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Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
seems like a niche market
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKINGHow Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.
Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON