I leave the interview room as I entered it, karate chopping air and unemployed.

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Me: Thanks for helping me move.

The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-


[The Rock gets crushed]



I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.


My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.


I just want to look as good as Madonna does now when I’ve also been dead for 27yrs.


*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”


When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.


I’m blocking anyone I think is funnier than me. If you see this you are safe.


Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.



I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”


origin stories:

spiderman: bitten by spider
green hornet: bitten by green hornet
gambit: bitten by a gam
magneto: bitten by magnetic toe