I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
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When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
Me: “Hello, I’m here for my interview at IKEA.”
Interviewer: “Come on in! Make a seat!”
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
$4 #usedbooks
Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.