I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.

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[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.


Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?


Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.


I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.


Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.

It’s that simple.


Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?


By all means, have your opinion. It’s how we tell just how dumb you are.


When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.


I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.


“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”

*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*

“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”