Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming

kids: *having a rough day*

air-conditioning: *broken*

me: *sweaty and irritated*

underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap

I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.

Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.

Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!

Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?

Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”

asking my doctor to give me the Marilyn Manson rib removal surgery to make more room for the hotdog eating contest

Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.

Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol

her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?

[first day working for IKEA]

Customer: one nightstand please

Me: sorry, I’m married

Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.

Hello Twits.

If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.

I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style

Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”

Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.

wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants

My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss

I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.

i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes

Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.

If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check

Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.

The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single

Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.

*me, drinking my morning coffee in my slippers* I really need to wash some mugs

Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?

Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.

Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.