I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
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me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
Employees must applaud the planets.
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
Every photo I’m tagged in
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
accurate
Him: Did you poop in the shower?
Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?
H: Well who else could it be?
M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?
H: Oh that makes more sense.
Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will