I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
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Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
This dude got his own movie?
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinkingPATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up
“Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?” he asks.
“What’s a matter baby?” I ask.
I’m shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it.
“Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?”
Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
Bro what is this