I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
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As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.
I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
[On the couch watching TV]
Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.
Dude, I’ve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I’m not taking homework assignments from you.
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao