@brunopieroni

I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.

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@outsmartedmommy

What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.

@stephenjmolloy

Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-

*looks at the casket suspiciously*

Erwin Schrödinger.”

@NintenDom

I’m going to name my first kid Authorized Personnel so they can go wherever they want in life.

@mishakey

I don’t come into YOUR bathroom and tell YOU how to tweet.

@MeganBaca1

Sitting behind a couple in this theater that’s making out. I’m gonna lean forward and whisper “This is nice” in a minute.

@RandiLawson

Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order

@TheWeirdWorld

The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.

@RocketRankoon

Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you