I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
You Might Also Like
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.
CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute
ME: sure of course no problem
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
*pronounces fake like saké*
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.
Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*
6yo: Are we there yet?
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?
when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.