I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
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*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
My five year plan is a meteorite
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.
Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff