I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
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Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
Whenever I’m asked if I have any food allergies or intolerances I answer that I should be fine as long as the secret ingredient isn’t love. Nobody has ever once been amused by this. I will never stop.
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
that’s really how it is
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
A flock of dads is called a grill.
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*
“Oh.”
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.