[high]
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
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Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.
Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
Oh. My. God.
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea
*watching The Revenant*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.
Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.