Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
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[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.
Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
*God creating the rhino*
God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs