@markhoppus

I left some avocado toast out on the front porch and in the morning I’d caught three millennials. Paid off their student loans and released them back into the wild. Good kids.

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@samfromks

My wife has been helping my neighbor hook up his VCR for 3 hours now.

Starting to get suspicious…

What kind of monster still has a VCR?

@ClichedOut

They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.

Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.

@_funnypool

friend: wanna go out

person who threw a boomerang many years ago, and now lives in constant fear: o-out?!

@Thynebear

If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.

@_davidlucas_

A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.

@Probgoblin

Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.

Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.

@Cheeseboy22

Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.